Daily Archives: November 28, 2011

Who Pooped The Pumpkins?

Giant Eagle Inc. hoisted the food safety bar to new depths today when the company warned people not to eat any among an unspecified number of cases of Valu Time and Food Club canned pumpkins because, um, well, they didn’t really want to say, nor did pumpkin vendor Topco Associates LLC. But our brave guardians over at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration apparently didn’t bother to ask, either.

However, unspecified sources we’d rather not identify probably tell us the culprit could be a malfunctioning injection mechanism that inadvertently squirted a quarter-cup of emulsified goat feces into each of some 14,348,005 cans of what would otherwise have been pure pumpkin. While the U.S. Centers for Disease Information Control has reported no fatalities in the past three years from ingestion of goat droppings, Giant Eagle and Topco decided out of an abundance of cagey legal advice to withdraw the cans in the unlikely event the odoriferous orange pulp might not meet the quality standards to which the American peasantry is accustomed and deserves.

Wait, haha! We just made that up! But chances are probably about even that whatever is in those cans is actually worse than goat poop, so if the press ever gets around to pressuring the companies involved for some actual information about the mess, we’ll pass that right along to you.

In the meantime, as they say, don’t crush that squash, hand me the pliers.